What Elephant?

The elephant in the living room is a metaphor for obvious truth that is either being ignored or unaddressed.  It takes a great deal of theatrical production to ignore something that is as big and unwieldy as an elephant.  

Each of us may have our own motivation to keep pretending the elephant is not there.  I believe the primary reason it goes unaddressed is fear.  We fear that we will hurt someone or make them angry.  We fear that we will be rejected or dismissed.  Sometimes the fear is so big it competes for space with the elephant.  

Therapists are known to be the identifiers of elephants. We know from experience that it is often a relief for everyone involved to simply hear the truth spoken out loud.  It is true that we have had people storm out of our office's never to be seen again.  This is rare.  What is more common is that people experience  relief and often they step up to the truth and make changes.

By acknowledging the elephant we are actually removing it.  We may just as quickly bring in a new one, but the original one has gone. Here are some guidelines which can help make this process less painful.

• Consider your mission:  How do the things unsaid impact your values and principles.  If you don't know what those are  then start there.  For example, you may value honesty and find that you are dishonest when you say nothing or pretend everything is fine.  It helps to write a mission statement for what you want to accomplish.  For example, My mission is to demonstrate my love and faith in my loved one to recover.
• Avoid judgement, finger pointing, blaming:  Use nonjudgemental language.  For example, I noticed that you have been more irritable lately. 
• Stick to the facts and stick to the issue:  Avoid bringing in past issues or elephants.  Think of the who what when with this particular elephant. 
• Be clear, respectful and compassionate: It helps to write down what you want to say and practice.
• Be willing to consider that you have invited this pachyderm in or that it wasn't there in the first place:  Be willing to consider you are wrong.  If it is your elephant,  own it , and it will move on. 
• Humor helps, sarcasm harms:  We can use humor to soften this conversation when we are careful to avoid sarcasm.  Sarcasm is unproductive at the least and very often creates a harm to the process. 
• Manage your expectations:  Don't expect this to be without some unintended consequences.  We can get shut down, dismissed, yelled at, invalidated.  Sometime it takes a while for things to sink in. If you have acted in your mission you will let go of the outcome and know that the risk was worth it.  

It is my experience that ​addressing the elephant brings healing.  Sometimes it is messy and makes things more unstable in the short term, but in the long term it opens the door to a clearer, cleaner space where relationships flourish. 

"There are only two mistakes one can make on the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." Buddah